The Big Rains - Sam and Dazzik

Chapter 4

Dazzik

I am full of elation over my catch at first - two big, meaty fish to fill our bellies this night. But as I trek back to the Mercenia hut, I begin to doubt myself.

I am thinking about how my Sam will prepare the fish, imagining the smells of it cooking - wondering if it will be the same using the strange human cooking equipment as it would be to roast it over a fire. We cannot set fires in the Mercenia hut. Basran’s tribe were doing that, and it filled the place with a stink of smoke and burning that we have only just got rid of. The hut is not designed to let the smoke escape like a raskarran hut would be, and so my Sam cooks everything using her human ways.

But instead of joy at the image, a biting sort of thought slips into my headspace. I have set out to find a gift for her. And I am returning with something that will create her labour. She will have to prepare and cook it while I sit back and enjoy watching her. I thought to get her a gift and instead I have given myself one. It is me who desires fresh meat - my Sam has never made mention of it.

My heartspace falls down to my feet. Am I really so selfish a male that I would give my linasha the gift of work for my pleasure?

I creep back into the Mercenia hut, standing just inside the entrance, dripping, for a long moment, clutching my catch in my hands. I will have to give them to her now - it would be a waste of the lives I have taken to let the fish rot because I am an inconsiderate mate. I will just have to apologise. Hope she does not think me terrible.

The scar on my face pinches, a reminder of my unworthiness. My Sam has said many times that she does not consider me beneath her, does not feel that she should have been chosen for someone better. She reminds me often that in doubting my own worth, I am doubting hers, and Lina’s wisdom in pairing us together. But it is hard. So very hard to feel like I deserve someone as wonderful as my Sam.

I am outcast, marked with scars so I cannot hide that truth. No male would look at me and think that my Sam would not be better off mated to anyone else.

As my thoughts begin to race and spiral, I hear a bright laugh coming from the eating room. Even from this distance, there is a joy in the sound so intense that I am pulled towards it, my feet moving before my headspace catches up. I know she will have her head tipped back, a beaming smile on her face. My Sam laughs with her whole spirit, every part of her glowing with her happiness and amusement. It is when she is at her most beautiful to me, and I feel a pressing need to see her this way. To let the joy of her push out the bad thoughts in my headspace. To fill up all the places where anguish and fear currently live.

But the feeling of the skerris fish in my hands stops me, and rather than bounding into the room, I shuffle in with my head down.

“What’s wrong?” my Sam says, jumping up and coming over to me. “Did you find trouble?”

Her eyes roam over my body, checking me for any signs of injury. Sweet, caring female. It is another sharp reminder that I do not deserve her.

“No trouble, no,” I say.

“Then what’s up? You look worried.” Her eyes land on the fish in my hands and brighten. “Ooh, dinner?”

Her expression is all excitement as she looks up at me, but it fades fast, concern sweeping back in. She reaches up, brushing one of my sodden locks of hair back out of my face.

“Dazzik, what’s wrong?”

“I thought to get you a gift, linasha. Something to make the passing of the rains a little easier. But I realised my gift of skerris fish for dinner creates work for you. It is not so much of a gift as a burden.”

My Sam’s eyes glitter as she grins at me.

“No, it’s perfect,” she says, beaming. “I, uh, I was also trying to do something for you.”

She gestures to a table and chairs that she has brought into the eating area from the bedrooms.

“A different table?” I say, unsure how this is doing something for me, but not wanting to upset her.

My Sam just laughs. “I know, it was silly. I was trying to make us a romantic dinner.” She skips over to the table and picks up something I haven’t seen before, waving it at me. “I found this. I was looking for something, hunting through all the lockers in the shower room, trying to find something that would be fun or different. To make the passing of the rains a little easier, as you said. But also because I love you and I wanted to do something nice. And this, well, I don’t know if it’s nice. I’ve never had it before. But I think it’s a drink that humans have to celebrate and I thought I would make us a special dinner to go with it. But really, all I had was the same old food we’ve been eating every day, so I couldn’t make the food special. So I thought I’d get us a nicer table, but we don’t have any candles or a tablecloth, so it was really just the drink, and that’s not that special. But now you’ve brought us fresh fish, so I can do something special and-”

I lose track of what she is saying about halfway through. The dreamspace does what it can, but sometimes she speaks too fast, or about too many human things, and my headspace cannot keep up. But her enthusiasm is clear. Her joy. I feared I brought her a terrible gift, and she is overjoyed.

My little nightmare.

I cut her rambling off with a kiss.